I have a well meaning friend that texts me often asking “are you in Nulato”. After being on homeservice/furlough/support raising (whatever you want to call it) for 19 months now, it brings tears to my eyes.
Nulato is home to me. That is one reason for the tears. I miss home. I miss being in a place where I can plan and dream long term. For the last year I have to think long and hard if I should buy groceries and supplies in bulk or not because we might be moving soon.
Another reason for the tears is that I can look back on our text history and see how many times he has asked me that and once again I have to say “no, not yet”. It hurts to see how long it has been and it feels like a dream is floating by, just out of reach, and yet I am constantly hearing the reminder to not give up. It is torture to my heart.
I also spiritualize it a bit. I have no idea why God has handed us such a tough two years. I go through the usual questions: checking if I have made a wrong choice that needs confessed and corrected; seeing if there is something I need to be doing. I am convinced we need to persevere and not give up, but this is hard. I guess that’s why perseverance is not a favorite word of mine.
Finally, I cry because of what has been lost. Nulato has changed while we have been gone and I missed it. People have died, babies have been born, high school kids have graduated, people have moved away, new people have come. I consider myself a part of the community and yet I know we have been away long enough that we will, for a time, feel like strangers again. I grieve this loss.
The whole reason we moved to Nulato is because God called us there. We love the quality conversations where we get to point peoples attention to Jesus and how worthy He is to follow. I cry because those conversations are not happening as often. Not that God can’t get peoples attention without me; I am not essential to God at all. But I enjoy being a part of it. I love it when I get to point someone to the truth of God’s Word and see their eyes brighten as the truth settles into their hearts. I can do that anywhere but I love doing it in Nulato.
Yup, the tears are complicated. Even in writing this I wonder if it will be understood. I hope that this “journal entry” gives you a window into how our hearts hurt and what life feels like on furlough/homeservice/support raising for us.
Serving Him 